Dennis Nelson, RIP October 10, 2007
Little did I see your departure coming, Dad. But God gave me the grace to make it through those weeks and year following your death. And He still is, to this day.
Sometimes I wonder if living off of the memory of you is enough. Like a car running off fumes. When I think about all that lies before me, I am very intimidated. If only you were here to take some of the pressure off.
But then I think, it's OK that you aren't here. God is keeping me, just as He kept you. I think by far the hardest challenge to me in my life, Dad, as I live out the rest of my days, is to trust God more. I don't know why I am reluctant sometimes, after all the good He has done in my life, after all the ways He has proven His love. I wish you were here to tell me so. But I have friends who remind me always of God's faithfulness, abundant supply of grace, His strength in our weakness.
Dad, I want to remember you today, to pause my life and examine if it is honoring you. For the most part it is, but there are areas I can improve in, too. I know that as my father you would be gently leading me towards strength and goodness. You made a peaceful life possible for me, and I thank you for that.
How do I continue your legacy? The positive things you did your successes as a father? You did do much right. Today, I want to remember what you did, what you said, but most of all, how you loved.
* the watch you went to repair before I returned to Columbia
* the way you always wanted to have me home and spent time with me
* the comfortable day-to-day life we shared when I lived at home
* the incredible way you managed to let go of me when I went off to college
* your contagious hopes for my future
* your well-read-ness, transferred down to me
* the calm sanctuary you kept, providing me with a home (imperfect as it was at times)
* dinners you cooked
* hugs you gave
* jokes you carried on through the years
* softball and lacrosse games you attended
* gentle but firm discipline of your teeneaged Jemmer
* newspaper clippings of stories you thought I would care about
* educating me, loving me, knowing me, like few others do.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Filled with Skill
All the women whose hearts stirred them to use their skill spun the goats' hair. ... See, the Lord has called by name ... and he has filled them with the Spirit of God, with skill, with intelligence, with knowledge, with all craftsmanship, to devise artistic designs ... And he has inspired them to teach ... He has filled them with skill to do every sort of work done by an engraver or by a designer or by an embroiderer - by any sort of workman or skilled designer. (Exodus 35: 26, 30-35)
OK, so now's the time to concede that any skill any of us have, it comes by God's filling us. He pours both abilities and the "heart stirrings" to use them. How often have you seen people with skill, but no motivation to use it? Well, the remedy is simple. Turn to the Provider of these things.
These verses make me realize a few things. So graduate school would probably be agreed to be the time when one gets filled with intelligence. But today I recognize, that though I myself do the reading and writing, the whole time, it is God providing that transfer of knowledge from the ether into my own fibers. Another point: God gifts us in very specific skills, skills that the most secular of artisans can respect and admire. We're talking serious skill here. How can I not be excited, that He has promised me some serious skill, and the heart stirrings to use it? It's all in the name of His glory. Let it so be, God.
OK, so now's the time to concede that any skill any of us have, it comes by God's filling us. He pours both abilities and the "heart stirrings" to use them. How often have you seen people with skill, but no motivation to use it? Well, the remedy is simple. Turn to the Provider of these things.
These verses make me realize a few things. So graduate school would probably be agreed to be the time when one gets filled with intelligence. But today I recognize, that though I myself do the reading and writing, the whole time, it is God providing that transfer of knowledge from the ether into my own fibers. Another point: God gifts us in very specific skills, skills that the most secular of artisans can respect and admire. We're talking serious skill here. How can I not be excited, that He has promised me some serious skill, and the heart stirrings to use it? It's all in the name of His glory. Let it so be, God.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Socks
Today when I woke up, I was surprisingly cold inside my own house. It's the top of October, and it feels like it, too. I like when expectations and reality align. So my shorts and T-shift PJs wouldn't do during my pre-church reading. I whipped out the comfy lounging yoga pants, and a pair of fuzzy slipper-socks, striped white, grey and pink, in my bottom drawer with all that other random stuff: belts to certain dresses, my lacrosse uniform, etc.
I received these socks as a Christmas gift from a student from my first year of teaching. I think she graduated early last year. Behaviorally, she wasn't an angel, but she wasn't a devil either. Academically, she was the best of both worlds: very conscientious, and legitimately smart. Socially, very adept, polite, cute, engaging, sprightly (I am wondering if that means what I think it means...bubbly?). I saw P. and her mom at a DQ on Ellis Rd. after a tennis game one night. I was embarassed because I was in my tennis outfit that showed a lot of thigh. Fortunately, it was not as big of a deal as I thought at the time.
Anyhow, these socks, they continue to keep me warm 3 winters later. I miss P. and her peers very, very much.
I received these socks as a Christmas gift from a student from my first year of teaching. I think she graduated early last year. Behaviorally, she wasn't an angel, but she wasn't a devil either. Academically, she was the best of both worlds: very conscientious, and legitimately smart. Socially, very adept, polite, cute, engaging, sprightly (I am wondering if that means what I think it means...bubbly?). I saw P. and her mom at a DQ on Ellis Rd. after a tennis game one night. I was embarassed because I was in my tennis outfit that showed a lot of thigh. Fortunately, it was not as big of a deal as I thought at the time.
Anyhow, these socks, they continue to keep me warm 3 winters later. I miss P. and her peers very, very much.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Teeth
OK, so I should be writing a paper on educational theory right now, so I will be brief and get right back to it.
I was thinking, wow, teeth and their care are unbelievably expensive. Feel me on this: My student dental plan cost $327, with a $50 initial deductible. This covers up to $750 of dental work for the CALENDAR YEAR. I have two teeth needing root canals, which at reasonable prices is $675 a piece. Crowns are $900 a piece. A root canal covered by my insurance is $135, and a crown is $450. OK, I can handle this, I thought, as I whipped my calculator out.
Uhh...not so fast. That $750 limit means about 1 and one quarter root canals will be covered, and that is IT. So this is what my dad meant when he said it was more fun to be a kid.
Then I got to thinking, how on earth do the poor care for their teeth? If I as a financially solvent (usually), educated, upwardly mobile, white woman am seeing all my savings go to my teeth, then how will the person who is on the margins (in other words, a lot of traits that I am not) handle such expenses? Dental health is no small issue in relation to mortality, either. This is a major public health issue; maybe I should research it instead of distant communities for my religion and public health class.
Finally, my thoughts on this subject are, stop calculating numbers, Jennifer; God has provided for you and will continue to do so. So I asked God to help me stop thinking about it, figuring numbers as if I was back in the 9th grade, desperately trying to figure the lowest grade I could score on my algebra II final exam in order to scrape by with an A (90.1). With God, I've never barely scraped by.
Teeth...who knew, such a thought, blood pressure, and spirit provoking topic? I see dentists as suddenly interesting.
I was thinking, wow, teeth and their care are unbelievably expensive. Feel me on this: My student dental plan cost $327, with a $50 initial deductible. This covers up to $750 of dental work for the CALENDAR YEAR. I have two teeth needing root canals, which at reasonable prices is $675 a piece. Crowns are $900 a piece. A root canal covered by my insurance is $135, and a crown is $450. OK, I can handle this, I thought, as I whipped my calculator out.
Uhh...not so fast. That $750 limit means about 1 and one quarter root canals will be covered, and that is IT. So this is what my dad meant when he said it was more fun to be a kid.
Then I got to thinking, how on earth do the poor care for their teeth? If I as a financially solvent (usually), educated, upwardly mobile, white woman am seeing all my savings go to my teeth, then how will the person who is on the margins (in other words, a lot of traits that I am not) handle such expenses? Dental health is no small issue in relation to mortality, either. This is a major public health issue; maybe I should research it instead of distant communities for my religion and public health class.
Finally, my thoughts on this subject are, stop calculating numbers, Jennifer; God has provided for you and will continue to do so. So I asked God to help me stop thinking about it, figuring numbers as if I was back in the 9th grade, desperately trying to figure the lowest grade I could score on my algebra II final exam in order to scrape by with an A (90.1). With God, I've never barely scraped by.
Teeth...who knew, such a thought, blood pressure, and spirit provoking topic? I see dentists as suddenly interesting.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Peace ≠ Boredom
I admit, I agree with my friend C's hesitancy to be excited about peace. Here's something to change that thinking. The result will be either excitement, or deep thinking, or both.
Isaiah 26:3: You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.
This doesn't mean a stable mind with no complexity. Rather, an imperfect mind can still attain a deep sense of safety, completeness, wholeness, friendliness, healthiness and soundness, which all serve to present one's inner being (mind) as being in a satisfied condition, a condition of well being. Here's the best part: a peaceful mind indicates "a prosperous relationship between two or more parties" (taken from Beth Moore).
This is ripe for application between you and God and between you and the people you love most. Learning the Hebrew synonyms for "peace" shows me just how much I am not, at times, really, truly honest in my most important relationships. A truly healthy, prosperous relationship is one where a completeness and wholeness is achieved, or realized. This requires a full giving of self, no pretending. What peace is there in pretending?
I'd also like to add that a sense of security no matter what happens or what's said is an indication of true or real love. Stability in the midst of chaos: is this not what Jesus has given us on the cross? Where our sin drowned(s) us in confusion and emotional deadweight, his salvation gave(gives) us bounancy. That is, stability. How else would we be able to do great things in this life, if always fighting a pending sense of doom?
Isaiah 26:3: You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.
This doesn't mean a stable mind with no complexity. Rather, an imperfect mind can still attain a deep sense of safety, completeness, wholeness, friendliness, healthiness and soundness, which all serve to present one's inner being (mind) as being in a satisfied condition, a condition of well being. Here's the best part: a peaceful mind indicates "a prosperous relationship between two or more parties" (taken from Beth Moore).
This is ripe for application between you and God and between you and the people you love most. Learning the Hebrew synonyms for "peace" shows me just how much I am not, at times, really, truly honest in my most important relationships. A truly healthy, prosperous relationship is one where a completeness and wholeness is achieved, or realized. This requires a full giving of self, no pretending. What peace is there in pretending?
I'd also like to add that a sense of security no matter what happens or what's said is an indication of true or real love. Stability in the midst of chaos: is this not what Jesus has given us on the cross? Where our sin drowned(s) us in confusion and emotional deadweight, his salvation gave(gives) us bounancy. That is, stability. How else would we be able to do great things in this life, if always fighting a pending sense of doom?
Friday, September 16, 2011
Dynamism
I figured out what makes me really like particular TV series: the main characters are both lovable and hatable. It's really gratifying to me to be brought through the writer's plan of characters' development, especially when a specific character goes from being one I hate to one I see through a more empathetic lens. It's like a drama is helping to break up the rigidity and hatefulness and judgment in my inner places. Now, if only I can apply the exact same progress in my real life! Break up my judgments and put empathy in their place! That's right- evict judgmentalism! Through the enjoyment of a 43-minute TV show! OK, maybe that's a little far-fetched.
Shows where this has been the case have extremely multi-faceted (in literature, we call these dynamic [changing] and round [unpredictable, many-sided]) main characters. In One Tree Hill, those characters are Brook and Dan. Oh, the psychology of that dad! In Mad Men, it's Don and Betty. Both go through exceedingly ugly phases in their marriage, and show glimmers of hope towards breaking unhealthy behaviors or seeing through a window of self-awareness for the first time. In Friday Night Lights, it's Lyla. She seems emotionally bankrupt, but actually, she's got plenty of depth in her heart matters and how and why she chooses to handle situations as she does. Plus, she's gone through feeling guilty, so I think that reduces her judgmentalism.
Shows where this has been the case have extremely multi-faceted (in literature, we call these dynamic [changing] and round [unpredictable, many-sided]) main characters. In One Tree Hill, those characters are Brook and Dan. Oh, the psychology of that dad! In Mad Men, it's Don and Betty. Both go through exceedingly ugly phases in their marriage, and show glimmers of hope towards breaking unhealthy behaviors or seeing through a window of self-awareness for the first time. In Friday Night Lights, it's Lyla. She seems emotionally bankrupt, but actually, she's got plenty of depth in her heart matters and how and why she chooses to handle situations as she does. Plus, she's gone through feeling guilty, so I think that reduces her judgmentalism.
Monday, September 12, 2011
I miss my students.
I am relishing, and I mean absolutely relishing, being on the lacrosse team here. I love being around undergrad girls. I am only 3-4 years older than most of them, but they give me a joy and energy and feeling of youth that makes me really happy. Practice today left me exhausted. I thought I was in shape; 15 minutes of scrimmaging caused me to think again!
I am looking to join a women's Bible study with people outside of Emory. That should be refreshing and encouraging. More on that when it comes.
BUT. I am missing my students, a LOT. How can I get them (obviously, the Atlanta versions of them) back into my life....and soon? My church is no longer multi-racial. I do not work in a (basically) all-black school anymore. I don't see and work alongside black colleagues and adults anymore. I feel like there's a hole in who I was while I was in the teacher corps. I need these teens back in my life! But how?
I am looking to join a women's Bible study with people outside of Emory. That should be refreshing and encouraging. More on that when it comes.
BUT. I am missing my students, a LOT. How can I get them (obviously, the Atlanta versions of them) back into my life....and soon? My church is no longer multi-racial. I do not work in a (basically) all-black school anymore. I don't see and work alongside black colleagues and adults anymore. I feel like there's a hole in who I was while I was in the teacher corps. I need these teens back in my life! But how?
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