L. always used to kidd me about how I should write a book on time management. At the ripe age of 11 or 12, it was already clear to her (and perhaps others) that I was obsessed with controlling time, and parsed it out very stingily, even to loved ones, because I had a rigid list of things I had to do, or else I felt an encroaching hurricane of chaos impinging on my inner being. The only way to calm the not-yet-even-real storm, of course, is to put it into that preferred bridle of strict scheduling and self-discipline.
Well, in a PhD program, there's this little self-justifying phenomenon of "it's OK, you work so hard, your mind needs a break." Enter the seemingly impossible wasting of chunks hours or even whole weekend days to TV (because nothing's really DUE tomorrow, anyway), stage left, and restless piddling around, stage right.
This week, it came up and bit me. I struggled to complete my formal statement for theory class and was literally chomping down to the last minute to crank out a three-page assignment. I had totally miscalculated the time it would take to read the six readings and produce two short assignments. And I had literally run out of time. It terrified me. I don't want to be in that position again. My mind swirled with two thoughts, "oh no, am I really going to have to ask for an extension on this? What would I say, I couldn't figure it out fast enough?" How embarrassing that would be. Miraculously, I managed to crank it out in those last 20 minutes and turn it in, though I was very un-proud of the product. I'm apprehensive to get it back. But it's out of my hands now, at least. Second, I thought, "this will NOT be happening next week!" so I've figured out a new flow for the four days in between the three days that I do have class. It is a time management puzzle that also includes carefully conserving my energy and mind to have endurance for lots of reading.
I love this life....! A time management puzzle brings anxiety, but not just anxiety all on its own. It is accompanied by a challenge, leading to growth.
