2012: The Year Ahead

What are you choosing to let go of this year so you can begin fresh in the New Year? Excessive anxiety. In 2011, when I moved to Atlanta, I worried way too much. Not really about academic things, just churning scenario after scenario over in my head, penalizing myself for not handling the move well socially, etc. I am letting go of using time alone to assuage my pangs of loneliness! Already in one week back in Atlanta this semester, I have sunk my teeth in deeper than (I dare say) all of last semester! I am visible in my new church. I relish time spent there. I have other grad students over to my apartment once per week. I went to a cocktail event at the Natural History Museum for grad students last weekend, and went home feeling swanky and sophisticated, and even full (satisfied)! So I am starting to love where I am. Location no longer gets me down. I am leaving my anxiety behind of loved things lost in my move. I am leaving behind the pity parties I sometimes threw for myself, where I was the only one invited. No more! Being with others and being able to know "at least I tried" (an approach to life which rarely ends up in defeat, I've learned -- thank you Ann Brashares and "Sisterhood Everlasting") is empowering! Keeping to yourself doesn't allow for any new light to shine in on the parade.

What are you most looking forward to in 2012? Submitting my teacher interview project for publication!! And for the Sociology of Education Conference which will be held in CA next February!!

What do you want more of in 2012? Loving moments between T and I. More gentle, loving words towards him. More building him up. More spiritual discussions together. More opportunities to serve and to exhibit love creatively. More adventures/trips together. More love for "community development," as C. at my church calls it, and for this place where I study and now live.

What do you want less of in 2012? Expectations for others that leave me feeling dissatisfied. My life is full just the way it is; I don't need to require anyone to do anything in order for me to be happy. I also want less expectations in general; that's a counterfeit love that acts as conditional as a youngest child acts entitled. I want less scorekeeping in the way I love others, less calculating to maximize my own happiness. That sounds gross, but it's accurate. I want less cautious love and more Mary-inspired, lavish and extravagant love that doesn't count costs and perceptions of rationality. For God-inspired causes, of course-- not just frivolously spent on some desire of just my own.

What new learning goals do you have for yourself in the year ahead? Hmm, great question. I want to learn more advanced writing techniques, esp. for my profession. I want to learn how to find my stability in Jesus more than I have in the year prior -- that means, not to be easily affected by circumstances and conjuring up overly sensitive misinterpretations of others' intentions towards me. I want to be like a wise 40-year old woman: still spunky and beautiful, but slightly worn and experienced, thus emerging as a seasoned woman, able to impart wisdom wihtout a diatribe or lecture, but just by loving others naturally. I know God can teach me these things, for He alone knows where to find wisdom and can direct me there. And I know He will do so gently and effectively.

What other goals are important to you right now? Maintaining relationship with Thomas; feeding and nurturing my friendships (old and new) with sisters in Christ; grafting myself into ATL to belong here and serve here; paying off debt (credit card, dental, and car maintenance).

What structures, plans, or supports will you put in place to make them happen and keep you 'on your game'? Well, as far as debt goes, I need to force myself to pay it off in chunks. I get frustrated when I put my transfer payments off and let food and incidentals eat up the money in my account. If I get an internship I applied for this summer, that stipend will help enormously to pay it off. Do I need to budget all the numbers out, I wonder? I never have in the past. Ugh, seems like an arduous task. Relationship- supports include keeping S in our lives and doing the assignments and keeping communication primary and open. Friendships- set regular time aside for their nurturance; ie. Bible study once a week, or study buddies (which I will do with thesis writing with D next door this semester!!). Grafting myself in here and serving- just show up continually to everything I can at E. Church.

How will you have fun this year? I will spend spring break with my favorite person. We will take a road trip somewhere not-far, but still a mini-vacation. We will have pancake breakfasts, coffee, enjoy movies. We will wake up to watch a sunrise. I will also have fun this year by being sure I see certain college friends: C, now in China; A, now in Philly. I think it is about time that I put a fund aside explicitly dedicated to visiting them. We always have fun together. I feel fully accepted around them. Also to have fun this year, I will try to see my mother in FL. I wonder if I could make that happen. I am going to take every opportunity to reconnect with people I've cherished, or connect for the first time with new people, not being afraid that adding new people into my life will diminish the strength of my ties to the people I still cherish and used to get to enjoy on a daily basis. I will have fun this year by playing tennis! I will have fun this year by venturing into a new world with a summer internship, honing my educational skills and relishing the school environment. I will allow God to fill me up with joy, and I will have fun through joyful generosity in turn. (now isn't that idyllic??)

What will 'balance' look like to you this year? And how will you honor that? Two things: money and travel. In 2011, I traveled a TON. Now, I enjoyed every second of it, I really did. But I am returning to Jackson less frequently nowadays, because I think it makes me more secure to dig my feet in here, rather than re-acquaint myself with Emory every Sunday night when I return to her. I think tearing in half between cities last semester really killed me sometimes. Yes, going 'home' did recharge me, especially in the beginning. But then I started attaching all this weight to it, so I think going back less frequently will restore the carefree joy I took in my visits in the beginning. Guilt-free visits. I love feeling free! It makes all the difference in a trip, in anything in life, really. I will honor that need for balance pretty naturally, because my car can't handle it (it's acting and sounding weird/bad lately), and I cannot afford it. The second issue of balance pertains to money. I will honor my financial commitments- mainly, paying off my credit card and these root canals - through my new part time job at the middle school. That job is a Godsend! On so many levels: it fulfills me personally; it helps me make enough money to not be in constricting debt; it should help me get out of debt. Thank you God!!!!!!!! You saw what I needed, and You delivered. I also need more balance not to worry too much about the money, which again, the job enables me to do with new empowerment!

Think of an important relationship. How will you nurture the relationship this year? Well, that was a no-brainer! Thinking how to nurture us will be a fun task, too: 1) give daily reminders of my love, rather than be a stingy texter/caller; 2) give without expecting in return (the entitled, "what have you done for me lately" attitude); 3) give without fear; 4) develop my love language of quality time with him -- think of creative, special, new ways to spend time together (places to go, affordable adventures to share, a series of fun events already planned by me for a weekend he visits); 5) select and read an encouraging scripture to him in the morning; 6) stop "scorekeeping," as he calls it; 7) more backscratches; 8) verbally tell him the things he does that I appreciate; 9) cook him a truly good dinner (or at least breakfast! That I can do!); 10) remind him how much he means to me, and thank him for all he has done for me, with poems, cards, and hopefully a piece of art. And most important of all, pray for him and for us.

In what way would you like to see yourself grow? (via personal development, experience, etc.) I would like to see myself grow spiritually, to really pause my activity and anxiety and drop it all to just adore God for all He has done. Two, I want to grow as a reader: to read more often and more variety (and faster) like I used to (or maybe that's just a fanciful version of myself I believe in but that never existed!). I will do this by a smidge a day! Perhaps squeezed in in the morning hours!

2012 will be a year of ___. Productivity and Joy!

Name people you admire. List some practical ways you can use their positive influence in your life. K.C.: I can use her influence by treating my days and profs/colleagues at Emory with appreciation, and approaching them with joy and confidence. I would like to love people better in my department. C.C.: be free to create new things, be creative and not be afraid I am being wasteful, be loving in a free, open, HONEST way with new friends. C.M. Invest myself by listening deeply to a dear friend. Perhaps S.G.? M.P.? B.B. Her way of treating each person with care and respect, I want to emulate. T.P. I can use his positive influence to accept imperfections in others, in situations, and in myself, tolerating their/it/our faults not with reluctance and resentment, but with an acceptance so deep and so warm, you know God is real and it is He who is holding your fibers together moment by moment. TP has shown me forgiveness, wisdom, strength, perseverance, faith, stability, tenderness, and a new way to conduct human relationships that doesn't just center around 'how easy is this for me today?'

Who are some people who could use your encouragement in their lives this year, and how will you encourage them? One at work; two at school; four in my family. I will encourage them by coming by their sides and spending time with them. Setting up dates with them, and time to talk to them, and (budget permitting!) little gifts to brighten the sometimes-mundanity of daily existence when things get really hard.

2011 in Review

My Aunt gives me great life habits. One is, at the beginning of each new year, to take stock of the year that passed and to put words to your hopes for the year ahead. I will chip away at these questions over the next few days. I debated and still debate, really, about whether a blog is an appropriate place to do this, but I've come to grips with the fact that it's the only way I will ever get this done -- see, it's already January 23rd! If I were with her on New Year's Day, we would have sat down and journaled out our reflections together. Thanks, Aunt Diann.

THE YEAR PAST

What accomplishments from 2011 are you most proud of? Definitely getting into this PhD program. That has been a life DREAM. And I like where I am, too-- good school, city, professors...I like the sense of stretching my wineskin for something new. Hope that allusion wasn't too graphic for you.

What successes have you forgotten or perhaps overlooked? Well, maintaining a romantic relationship for this long is a total feat for me. And add to that, a long-distance sort of relationship! This is definitely a success. Of course, it's not just my doing, but T's too -- it takes real patience, persistence, hopefulness, encouragement, and sometimes long-suffering, too, to stick with it. But we have a dream and a goal and a purpose.  Also, a success would be seeing one of my former students in particular soar this year, as she approaches her entry to college. I say it's a success that I kept her passionate and she felt she could come to me for recommendations, etc.

What did you learn about yourself this past year? One, I am a jealous person. Two, I can be an insecure person. Three, I can be too easily provoked (sensitive)...ok, ok, I knew that fact since I was a 5th grader, let's be real. I would cry in class over a B. [Can you say, Drama Queen? Youngest Child?] I also learned that I can still be strong even when I feel so weak (that's God working)...for instance, when I was down, discouraged, and not feeling in charge of my life at all, that's when God stepped in and shone in my coursework. I feel like I produced some meaningful work in my classes last semester, and made good marks too. They all say grades aren't what it's about. But they certainly don't hurt your confidence!

In what way(s) have you grown? Who have you become in the evolution of you? I have grown as a woman, to be sure. I delight in heels, makeup, and more sophisticated outfits. But it's a cool evolution, too, though, because I've simultaneously held onto my frugal ways. Too bad for the BF's pocketbook....just kidding. What I am saying is, I feel more like a grown up woman now, without having lost essential qualities of who I have always been in internal ways. Maturity-wise, I have grown in seeing my faults and incrementally learning to live with myself, and still love myself in spite of them. Of course, that's a task that requires the TLC of God and significant others to remind me of who I am! Thanks, all you supporters out there.

What were the high points of the past year? Going to CO with T in March; going to the AL/FL beaches with T & M in October; going to the Coast to T's family reunion in July -- these were all sweet reminders of the special way I am loved and belong in T's life and him in mine. Integrating the one you love into your existing life and having him know your upbringing and "people," there is simply nothing like it. The other highlight was spending a string of days with my Mom in CO in December, catching up on 25 years of life apart. Probably one of the sweetest gifts God has ever given me.

What inspiration will you carry forward into 2012? My friend E's reminder that God will always claim me as His own. There is forever security and safety in His arms and care. Where I live and the people I love who are present or gone will be in flux over my years on earth. I may not feel the belonging and security with them as I long for. But in Jesus, I have a banner over me that says, "I love this girl. I made her. She is mine." That's inspired by a camp song I sang through the summer days of 2006-- "I am my Beloved's and He is mine; His banner over me is LOVE." I am claimed by His blood, His call, His lovingkindness which draws me in and back everytime.

How would you complete the following sentence: "This was a year of ___." I fill in the blank with learning. Yes, book learning at Emory, but what I am really getting at is personal learning, learning how to live, cope, and love in a social world, while maintaining a posture of grace, mercy, and wisdom. It's a task we all must face, and the 20s is probably the first time the social-skills life lessons hit hardest. I would say I blundered in the midst of some of the lessons; I lost my inner gracefulness and sense of control. I lost a gentle tongue and let mean or irrational words spill all over the place. I let fears control me. And in each of those moments, I knew I was learning. I knew God was giving me a lesson. I've always seen God as my Provider; in more recent years, since having moved to Mississippi and started my "adult" life (i.e, working, establishing self-made routines, etc.), I have seen God/Jesus as my Teacher. And that's a true role of His: Messiah. I remember waking up one night in the middle of sleep ( a few years back) and thinking I heard God say tenderly to me, "Let me teach you." Indeed, we have to let ourselves be taught. a teacher can teach all day, but if the student's not receptive, not much is gonna take root.
So in those moments of lost grace and love and control on my part, that is when my need for God's stabilizing love and reasoning and endurance and assistance came crashing into me much more powerfully. You embrace a lesson when you badly need the tools to get through it. God has always been one for relevant lessons! (And also, might I add, for selecting very stubborn students.)

What were the best books you read? Academically, "The Comparative Method" by Ragin. This holds the key for how I will write my Master's thesis. Pleasure-wise, perhaps "Even Now" by Karen Kingsbury. Soft lit works really well for audiobooks while driving; successfully keeps my attention. Also Francis Schaffer's "True Spirituality" did the same, though it's not soft lit at all (more borderline philosphy [nonfiction]).

What were your best relationships? With T, this was my lab for learning (see above). He has taught me a lot about myself and about relating, and about how God loves us-- persevering in love with intent and purpose and resolve. With C & C, I am constantly amazed at how "old" friendships can get ever deeper and richer. Again, they teach me about myself. I know they care about me very deeply. I trust them very much. I credit them for my maturation/becoming as a woman, particularly as a woman in Christ. I feel safe in this process in their hands. All three relationships are places of deep love, where I find deep meaning, comfort, acceptance, and growth. I can't wait to continue in the adventure with them all!

What was the single biggest time-waster this year? Facebook, hands down.
What was the single best use of time? Making a guitar chords music binder for C. I enjoyed it and she enjoyed it. Best gift you can possibly give! Where the giver herself even relishes and delights in it!

3 words to describe this past year: turning-point, comfortable, embarking (can I have a 4th? pining)

What was the single most unexpected joy this year: Being mentored by so many women who I adore, who I look to as models of who I would like to become. They responded with care when I asked for help, and voluntarily confided things in me too that proved they see more more as an equal now than I used to be when I was more on the child-side of things.

Grace

I just finished writing 5,000 words about my favorite student ever. I thought my favorite student was D., an exceptionally smart and gifted writer I had my first year teaching. But J. outshone him, because she brought a lovely spirit to her talent as well. I want to be a student like that: a student full of heart and joy. I feel like I used to be that, hands-down, but now I am not as free-spirited as I once was. I worry more about stupid things. What will it take for me to be free again? This is what I think about heavily as I enter this new year. What is holding me back? What will allow me to excel to the highest degree with the gifts God has given me? I pray for God's spirit of power and love, rather than a spirit of fear and timidity, to deliver me through this time.

I listened to BeBe and CeCe Winan's beautiful song, "Grace," on repeat as I completed the scholarship recommendation for this super-student (J.). Last night, I was not up to the task, but this morning, I found myself taking utter delight in it. How fun is it to expound upon a person you admire, who you taught? I think I came full-circle in writing that recommendation. God has given me so many blessings, I cannot grasp fully the depths of His love for me. Thank You, God. I want my life from this day forward to be a thank you card to my Lover and Redeemer.

"What would I do without grace?" the song asks. That's a great question. I think I need the company of people who love me to be with me in Atlanta to make life OK, to make life bearable. But really, it's God's grace that makes me OK. I will always be OK so long as I have His grace. My college friend, C, always repeats U2's great lyric: "Grace makes beauty out of ugly things." In fact, I think she posted it on her bathroom mirror as a constant reminder. It wouldn't hurt for me to do the same.

How has God had grace on me in 2011? He was patient with me when I was caught in sin. To this day, I am still not free from sins I know I hang on to. God is not leaving me in my sin, but pulls me to His heart, calling me back continually. He won't accept my acceptance of sin as a "fact of life." He won't leave me there. I don't want to lose the voice of His Spirit within me, to guide me and make me whole, to make me feel confident in the wisdom He has given me, piece by piece, step by step, day by day. God has had grace on me in 2011 also by giving me my dream of grad school. I parted with Jackson and teaching and T. very tearfully, but I cannot forget how God is making my dreams come true. I have to believe that God will satisfy my every need and desire, but it may take time, and it may not be exactly what I am wishing and hoping for right now, in this present moment. What I learn from 2011 is that God's gifts can come with immense amounts of pain and even fear. He can give us amazing gifts, and we can receive them with a spirit of fear! Isn't that crazy!

Summer Possibilities

I have never been one to be monetarily focused. But there's nothing like lack of funds to make you want to get a[nother] job. I have this amazing luxury of two weeks off of school until mid-January. (I know what you're thinking -- Hence, her low salary!) So I also have plenty of time to imagine how I will catch up and get out of debt this summer. (I don't like this place -- Debt is like being trapped in a box full of dust. I am not used to this, and don't plan on acclimating.) I've found one possibility. My goal is to put in 5 applications by the time I return to school on Jan. 18th. I think I also wouldn't mind a job like bieng a checker at a grocery store, or a barista, or something mindless but taxing, on a routine schedule. I want to feel that end-of-the-workday tired again, which is oh-so-different from the exhaustion feeling I get from reading and writing round the clock and the utter constant-ness (OK, I know what you're thinking, it's constance) of academic work.

Oh, the possibilities! I look forward to engaging a different side of me this summer than my brain, brain, brain all the time.