Grace

I just finished writing 5,000 words about my favorite student ever. I thought my favorite student was D., an exceptionally smart and gifted writer I had my first year teaching. But J. outshone him, because she brought a lovely spirit to her talent as well. I want to be a student like that: a student full of heart and joy. I feel like I used to be that, hands-down, but now I am not as free-spirited as I once was. I worry more about stupid things. What will it take for me to be free again? This is what I think about heavily as I enter this new year. What is holding me back? What will allow me to excel to the highest degree with the gifts God has given me? I pray for God's spirit of power and love, rather than a spirit of fear and timidity, to deliver me through this time.

I listened to BeBe and CeCe Winan's beautiful song, "Grace," on repeat as I completed the scholarship recommendation for this super-student (J.). Last night, I was not up to the task, but this morning, I found myself taking utter delight in it. How fun is it to expound upon a person you admire, who you taught? I think I came full-circle in writing that recommendation. God has given me so many blessings, I cannot grasp fully the depths of His love for me. Thank You, God. I want my life from this day forward to be a thank you card to my Lover and Redeemer.

"What would I do without grace?" the song asks. That's a great question. I think I need the company of people who love me to be with me in Atlanta to make life OK, to make life bearable. But really, it's God's grace that makes me OK. I will always be OK so long as I have His grace. My college friend, C, always repeats U2's great lyric: "Grace makes beauty out of ugly things." In fact, I think she posted it on her bathroom mirror as a constant reminder. It wouldn't hurt for me to do the same.

How has God had grace on me in 2011? He was patient with me when I was caught in sin. To this day, I am still not free from sins I know I hang on to. God is not leaving me in my sin, but pulls me to His heart, calling me back continually. He won't accept my acceptance of sin as a "fact of life." He won't leave me there. I don't want to lose the voice of His Spirit within me, to guide me and make me whole, to make me feel confident in the wisdom He has given me, piece by piece, step by step, day by day. God has had grace on me in 2011 also by giving me my dream of grad school. I parted with Jackson and teaching and T. very tearfully, but I cannot forget how God is making my dreams come true. I have to believe that God will satisfy my every need and desire, but it may take time, and it may not be exactly what I am wishing and hoping for right now, in this present moment. What I learn from 2011 is that God's gifts can come with immense amounts of pain and even fear. He can give us amazing gifts, and we can receive them with a spirit of fear! Isn't that crazy!