THE YEAR PAST
What accomplishments from 2011 are you most proud of? Definitely getting into this PhD program. That has been a life DREAM. And I like where I am, too-- good school, city, professors...I like the sense of stretching my wineskin for something new. Hope that allusion wasn't too graphic for you.
What successes have you forgotten or perhaps overlooked? Well, maintaining a romantic relationship for this long is a total feat for me. And add to that, a long-distance sort of relationship! This is definitely a success. Of course, it's not just my doing, but T's too -- it takes real patience, persistence, hopefulness, encouragement, and sometimes long-suffering, too, to stick with it. But we have a dream and a goal and a purpose. Also, a success would be seeing one of my former students in particular soar this year, as she approaches her entry to college. I say it's a success that I kept her passionate and she felt she could come to me for recommendations, etc.
What did you learn about yourself this past year? One, I am a jealous person. Two, I can be an insecure person. Three, I can be too easily provoked (sensitive)...ok, ok, I knew that fact since I was a 5th grader, let's be real. I would cry in class over a B. [Can you say, Drama Queen? Youngest Child?] I also learned that I can still be strong even when I feel so weak (that's God working)...for instance, when I was down, discouraged, and not feeling in charge of my life at all, that's when God stepped in and shone in my coursework. I feel like I produced some meaningful work in my classes last semester, and made good marks too. They all say grades aren't what it's about. But they certainly don't hurt your confidence!
In what way(s) have you grown? Who have you become in the evolution of you? I have grown as a woman, to be sure. I delight in heels, makeup, and more sophisticated outfits. But it's a cool evolution, too, though, because I've simultaneously held onto my frugal ways. Too bad for the BF's pocketbook....just kidding. What I am saying is, I feel more like a grown up woman now, without having lost essential qualities of who I have always been in internal ways. Maturity-wise, I have grown in seeing my faults and incrementally learning to live with myself, and still love myself in spite of them. Of course, that's a task that requires the TLC of God and significant others to remind me of who I am! Thanks, all you supporters out there.
What were the high points of the past year? Going to CO with T in March; going to the AL/FL beaches with T & M in October; going to the Coast to T's family reunion in July -- these were all sweet reminders of the special way I am loved and belong in T's life and him in mine. Integrating the one you love into your existing life and having him know your upbringing and "people," there is simply nothing like it. The other highlight was spending a string of days with my Mom in CO in December, catching up on 25 years of life apart. Probably one of the sweetest gifts God has ever given me.
What inspiration will you carry forward into 2012? My friend E's reminder that God will always claim me as His own. There is forever security and safety in His arms and care. Where I live and the people I love who are present or gone will be in flux over my years on earth. I may not feel the belonging and security with them as I long for. But in Jesus, I have a banner over me that says, "I love this girl. I made her. She is mine." That's inspired by a camp song I sang through the summer days of 2006-- "I am my Beloved's and He is mine; His banner over me is LOVE." I am claimed by His blood, His call, His lovingkindness which draws me in and back everytime.
How would you complete the following sentence: "This was a year of ___." I fill in the blank with learning. Yes, book learning at Emory, but what I am really getting at is personal learning, learning how to live, cope, and love in a social world, while maintaining a posture of grace, mercy, and wisdom. It's a task we all must face, and the 20s is probably the first time the social-skills life lessons hit hardest. I would say I blundered in the midst of some of the lessons; I lost my inner gracefulness and sense of control. I lost a gentle tongue and let mean or irrational words spill all over the place. I let fears control me. And in each of those moments, I knew I was learning. I knew God was giving me a lesson. I've always seen God as my Provider; in more recent years, since having moved to Mississippi and started my "adult" life (i.e, working, establishing self-made routines, etc.), I have seen God/Jesus as my Teacher. And that's a true role of His: Messiah. I remember waking up one night in the middle of sleep ( a few years back) and thinking I heard God say tenderly to me, "Let me teach you." Indeed, we have to let ourselves be taught. a teacher can teach all day, but if the student's not receptive, not much is gonna take root.
So in those moments of lost grace and love and control on my part, that is when my need for God's stabilizing love and reasoning and endurance and assistance came crashing into me much more powerfully. You embrace a lesson when you badly need the tools to get through it. God has always been one for relevant lessons! (And also, might I add, for selecting very stubborn students.)
What were the best books you read? Academically, "The Comparative Method" by Ragin. This holds the key for how I will write my Master's thesis. Pleasure-wise, perhaps "Even Now" by Karen Kingsbury. Soft lit works really well for audiobooks while driving; successfully keeps my attention. Also Francis Schaffer's "True Spirituality" did the same, though it's not soft lit at all (more borderline philosphy [nonfiction]).
What were your best relationships? With T, this was my lab for learning (see above). He has taught me a lot about myself and about relating, and about how God loves us-- persevering in love with intent and purpose and resolve. With C & C, I am constantly amazed at how "old" friendships can get ever deeper and richer. Again, they teach me about myself. I know they care about me very deeply. I trust them very much. I credit them for my maturation/becoming as a woman, particularly as a woman in Christ. I feel safe in this process in their hands. All three relationships are places of deep love, where I find deep meaning, comfort, acceptance, and growth. I can't wait to continue in the adventure with them all!
What was the single biggest time-waster this year? Facebook, hands down.
What was the single best use of time? Making a guitar chords music binder for C. I enjoyed it and she enjoyed it. Best gift you can possibly give! Where the giver herself even relishes and delights in it!
3 words to describe this past year: turning-point, comfortable, embarking (can I have a 4th? pining)
What was the single most unexpected joy this year: Being mentored by so many women who I adore, who I look to as models of who I would like to become. They responded with care when I asked for help, and voluntarily confided things in me too that proved they see more more as an equal now than I used to be when I was more on the child-side of things.
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