Songs and Memory

1.) "How You Like Me Now" (The Heavy) - Watching "The Fighter" on a lazy Saturday, what could have been better? I stayed awake too-- watching movies midday is the only cure for my movies-with-you narcolepsy. Remember? Then months later M sang this song verbatim in the back seat...

2) "OMG" (Usher) - driving down I-55 South to pick up your favorite loafers from JC Penney.

3) "Candy Everybody Wants" (10,000 Maniacs) - You said you'd never heard it and I couldn't believe it!

4) "California" (P.U.T.S.) I remember awaking half awake on a road trip to this song and thinking, "this is catchy, remember this and ask about it later," then going immediately back to sleep in my Pez position.

Nothing is Inevitable

This is a quote from my race & ethnicity professor. And I love it. It reflects my friend C's mother's belief, which is, "Where there's a will, there's a way." Wherever two (or more) people commit to each other, or to a cause that is linked to their very life purpose, no circumstances, shortcomings, flaws, mishaps, mistakes, pains, or otherwise can tear them apart. Nada. All outcomes come, to some degree, by way of our independent, or corporate, choices.

Letting Go, Part II

Thank you, Dewayne Woods, for writing "Let Go." Music brought all this to the forefront of my mind...

It's a recurring theme in my life, to be sure: learning to let go of the plans I've made for myself. I learned it in 2005, with a startling change of plans in my college education. I was infuriated with God for reducing -- or so it seemed at the time -- my grand plans down to His unexciting ones. I'm so glad God isn't swayed from the plans He has for me based on my unappreciative attitude at the time. 

[That's something I hadn't even thought about until writing this. Thank You, God, for not allowing my attitude to thwart your blessings. Help me stay positive in the in-between!]

And I don't think God makes this a recurring theme because I don't 'get it' the first time. I do think He is making it recur so that I understand His loving care to a new level each and every time He puts me through a hard time - that is, a storm or a valley.

A finer point to this lesson, though, is that God has shown me that letting go does not involve giving up on my dreams. It simply requires that I allow Him to compose the story His way. And this way ends up requiring far less worry on my part, because in His version, I am not the glue holding it all together. He is. This second part to the letting go lesson, with each and every iteration, and the progressive letting go of dear things and ones, is wildly encouraging. My friend S has told me once, and I've heard it from Pastor N too, that God is not a "cosmic killjoy." In my younger years, a part of me was convinced that He was, and I just accepted that as an unavoidable part of who He is. I'm starting to grasp that joy truly is His end goal for us. I admit, I hate the incredible pain that intervenes on the way to joy. I still haven't made peace with that "surprise" in life (to borrow from CS Lewis' "surprised by joy," I think it's safe to say that, in growing up/maturing, I'm "surprised by pain."). All God does and says is to increase our joy. As I type that, I ask myself, do I really believe that?

Maybe I am not quite there yet, but I can say that I know God to be a restorer of my joy, whether it be restoration from disappointment (especially the blind-siding kind) or from grief of loss. He, in the words of U2 often quoted by dear friend C., is in the business of grace: "making beauty out of ugly things."

While Swimming

A new thing I've taken up is swimming two nights a week. It's an amazing escape from my running thoughts (recognize that phrase?). I'm sure my form isn't perfect, and that lifeguards and swim coaches pacing the sides think my arm stroke isn't always in line with my body, and that the way I cock my head when I come up for air is too far up. I'm sure of these things, and I work on my form whenever I am conscious enough to, or care enough to. Otherwise, I take simple bodily pleasure in the breathing rhythms, the challenge of stamina it requires, the water all around me, the solitude of it, the power of forward motion that actually is supposed to come from your hips and not your arms. It's like when I swim, I am aware of my whole body in ways ambulating in the air makes me take my body and its functioning for granted.

I've started to wonder what other ways I can become active that will make me more conscious. Not active in the physical sense, per se, but active in the "doing God's work" sense. One of my friends, A, has encouraged me tremendously lately, and filled me with a sense of power that I didn't really realize was in me. [I couldn't believe how much simply talking to her gave me peace of mind!] Looking at her approach to life, even through (prolonged) times of uncertainty, her choice to cultivate herself and to experiment with living an abundant life that digs into building God's Kingdom here on earth: all I can say is, sign me up for that! I want to be active in life. There are commitments I have now that I am not fulfilling enough, and that's where I'll start. I also need to get myself around kids/teens more. Maybe that's my next step. But first commitments first. Being a student is my #1 right now...working on submitting for publication by Christmas, and my IRB submission by Thanksgiving. These are the foremost things for now. But I pray for a more active spirit to fill me, one that fills these requirements of being a focused student, but also seeks out life-giving opportunities to serve, to know a community and be part of it. Lord, push me to live more fully!

Lasting Fruit

God, what's it gonna take for me to produce lasting fruit, the kind where I can only produce it if I remain in you?

How do I know that the love I show is grounded in your love, the direction and advocacy of your Spirit? How can I know it won't run out or leave me hurting, because bearing fruit can't always just be a happy-go-lucky endeavor...can it?

I can know because bearing fruit is your will for me. And You won't abandon me as an orphan; You will come to me. (John 14:18)

And when I don't know how, your Spirit will remind me of everything You taught me. This Spirit is Your gift to me, it is peace of mind and heart (v. 27). So don't be troubled or afraid, even when the odds of bearing fruit or sticking with it to the end, or the scale of the task at hand seems utterly impossible, or like all signs point to no.