My Jetta

My most valuable possession (in terms of net dollar worth) is dying. Little imperfections are accumulating on my '05 Jetta. It's very, very saddening. Its days of beauty are slipping fast away, and recapturing them is basically not a possible reality anymore. Inside the driver door, the cloth has come loose, probably because my friend's mom who graciously offered to give my car's interior a deep-clean two years ago scrubbed the fabric too hard. The front bumper I had replaced this January is an off-shade of the off-white of the rest of the body; I didn't notice this then because I picked it up late one night where the eve concealed it (smart, I know). The back bumper is not pretty either, now, because where I had it repaired four years ago, the paint has micro-shattered beneath the glossy surface, so that it looks like cracked desert dirt, and there are two scratches all the way down to the black underneath (where on earth did these come from? I wonder if someone hit-and-ran me recently- had to have, right?). The passenger door no longer opens from the outside, even when I unlock it (the result of my minor wreck this past summer, which insurance didn't bother to fix). This all makes me very sad!

 I just need to remember how much of a blessing this car has been, for five years now! I love that it's a stick, that it's 4-door, that it's super fuel-efficient, and has rarely had mechanical problems. It fits my personality ("quick and zippy," as C.B. astutely observed!). I think I might like my next car to also be a VW.

Anyhow, the deeper moral of this story, to link it to the spiritual realm, is: even our prettiest acquisitions in life always change. They do not remain in tip-top shape forever. This is the natural result of entropy in the natural world, a natural process. And if it's a natural process, is it too much to infer that there is something we ought to catch onto as humans in it, as in, how do we respond to the natural tendency of things? The lesson within this might be that constant care over the long haul is the best way to maintain our valued things (and also relationships with loved ones). Don't let the bangs and brokenness accumulate to a point where correcting them seems insurmountable!

Not a haiku

DISCLAIMER: Haikus actually are supposed to be 5-7-5 in meter and don't need to rhyme. So this is beyond a fake.

When you said you're content
The next day I thought
You are heaven-sent.

Sincerity

Did you know that the word "sincerity" means singleness of heart? What a challenge, isn't it! In terms of our faith walk with Jesus, what it takes to be His sincere follower is singleness of heart. The way the heart tends to divide itself and resist absolute commitment is probably the most frustrating thing about being human. Human nature is to deceive oneself into thinking that the heart can capture contradictory aims all in one fell swoop. Wrong answer, alerts the Scripture. That is a fool's mirage, and fools fall for it. I go in the fool category.

The adage, "follow your heart," is a sure ticket to a conflicted, insincere life. I think the reverberations of sincerity in our commitment to Jesus' call -- how He calls us to live our lives, in other words, the lifestyle proper for his followers and friends -- falls directly on our earthly relationships. Our "horizontal" relationships, as Boccacio (and many, many other writers after him) describes. What a challenge! To be a sincere friend, lover, worker, leader, parent, daughter/son -- any number of roles we fill in relationships -- REQUIRES singleness of heart.

 Can anyone second that this is a very high calling? Surely this is a dimension of keeping one's own heart pure, beyond considerations of chastity. A pure heart is an undivided heart, with little to hide because that person fights to keep his heart singular. Make no mistake, foolish human nature: a sincere heart is the result of active resistance to letting cracks, splinters, and divisions emerge. But, remember Jesus has compassion on us in our weakness, as these cracks in our heart are indeed inevitable, but He provides the power (and even the desire) to fight for singleness of heart.

Tampico or Tropicana?

I will be turning 27 years old this year. That makes me feel anxious. I don't feel like I am behind on anything. I am a little surprised about how some of the things in my life have turned out. So I guess the anxiety comes from things I regard as surprises. How many more surprises, Lord? I know that through all trials You are teaching me of your unsurpassable love, and you're opening my life more and more to Your Good News and Your work. But as I said to my friend C. on our car ride to kickboxing last week, I wonder if or how I'll have the heart resources to respond to changes and surprises like this.

In my 27th year (ok, I'm jumping the gun a bit here, as I still have a half a year to go! Phew), I hope that I can trust God more with where He is taking me. I do trust Him a lot in some areas, but less in others. There's that old annoying thought process in me that perceives my dreams and His plans as sometimes at odds. But when those are at odds, He has proven that He brings something better than my expected or hoped-for outcome. He provides a puzzle piece that fits, unlike the piece that I was trying ever so earnestly to force-fit into my so-called, self-envisioned "masterpiece." It has always proven to be the case that the gift of the next season, the next year, the next major life transition, the next move, ushers in blessings never imagined before by the senses. Those prior senses were trained only to comprehend the prior season; they become unfit and even obsolete to comprehend what lies ahead. My prior ways of hoping and thinking become like Tampico compared to Tropicana.

In my 27th year, I want to reclaim the feeling of being special and loved, protected, fearless, and free. I am some of these things now, but added years have introduced some hindrances to these. How do I become ever more free, releasing weights, worries, sources of weariness? To get there, I'm convinced writing will make me free (didn't I tell that very quote to my students, channeling Sandra Cisneros?). So starting today, I will write more often. I will resuscitate this beloved blog, which has seen me through some pretty life-changing moments and has allowed me to chronicle God's close attendance in a variety of seasons.

Saturday morning, sitting in my wooden chair.

Have you sat
In awe at
All He has done?

The way He proportions the body
The way He deepens the soul
The way He made the heart
All these, under His control

Have you looked
Are you hooked
In wrapped attention?

The fact of your senses
Given for pleasure and direction
The mind also delivering --
That you feel ever more of His affection.

Have you asked
At last
For His direction?

That change is but another
Signal of His love
The seasons He makes;
The way dawn breaks.

Have you beheld?
He has excelled
In promises made true.