White Oleander

I used to think this book was so awful. I remember being addicted to its pages, polishing it off, then wishing I could erase it from my mind. I felt tainted by it. Like its contents were nothing but impurities that I needed to precipitate off (help me, chemistry buffs! is that how it's said. how sad, I've forgotten the terminology.).

Then, six years later, I watched the movie. And the ending made me reconsider it entirely. Here's a mother who messed up her daughter's life sorely, I mean, no denying it. Selfish decision after selfish decision, sometimes veiled in manipulative, seeming-helpfulness, sometimes in outright bitter, negative speech towards her very own offspring. And the movie made the mother's ability to finally love her daughter -- her daughter who tried so hard to defy her mother's harmful influence, and whose wisdom outweighed her mother's -- so much more plain and stark than the book ever did. With the book, I was left with a feeling of entangledness that made me feel like I was covered with sinful moss, like the mother-daughter relationship was a feedback loop with no hope or reconciliation. But the movie showed the mother's one moment of strength, when she took her daughter's own advice to not make her lie up on the court stand to get her mother free out of jail. The mother found it in herself to sacrifice something for once for her daughter. And that thing was her entire life behind bars. Kudos to the moviemakers and actresses. I was convinced and changed my mind about the book. No need to erase it, now.

Look what time apart, cooling down from a dramatic plot, and a new artistic interpretation of another work of art can do.

Good Things

This blog post could be in the form of a list: Friends who care about my health, physical and spiritual. Change that turns out not to be all bad (Mrs. R's replacement is nice. But I still miss you, Mrs. R.). A group of 10 former students storming your room for last minute advice before taking the AP language test. Getting a surprise text from the brother you love but hear from and call infrequently. But I think I will dwell on one single good thing for a while. Linger over it like a really delicious cup of coffee with equally delicious reading at hand.

What I am going to write about is the slight sting of missing someone. Deeply.

I think the derivation of this internal pang has spiritual roots. We are ever longing to be in the right place, where we feel God's approval. Of course, this has a falsehood attached to it. God approves of us, but not because we're in the right place. We just go to the right place because that's where we can be closest to him. Don't we want to be in the closest possible place in relation to the one(s) we love?

What is the value of purposely creating distance, out of love? I really think it is a powerful way to express love. As my friend E. says, "it has to be the Holy Spirit that keeps lovers from just being together before they're married. It's choosing the opposite of what feels good. Which is insanely hard to choose against." OK, so I added a few words to her quote. Hope you'll for give me. But the spirit of her comment is maintained.

I derive hope and strength and happiness when I can love the one I love while apart. We're exhibiting love inside of the required distance that is the condition of our relationship. In my friend J's words, "we're staying on the playground."  Right now, we are not geographically distant. But spiritual wisdom mandates that we observe distance in other ways, even while we're together. It's in this space between that I am able to be God's child, to find myself simultaneously in my togetherness with a companion, and in my solitude by myself. The simultaneity is essential, I think. And it can only be fueled by the love I get from God. I could and would not ever be able to observe healthy distance without God's love in me. Today, I am relying on this love to give me endurance through any length of time or required space. And not only does He make me last through the odds, but He makes each moment delectable. Like I was saying, like a delicious coffee with a delicious book. He makes me dwell in unending satisfaction.

Laughter on the Clock

During a student-judged round of Grammar Olympics: "Ms. H. (the student judge, called by her last name as I call them by too), come holla at us (reminiscent of the graffitti -- if you can call it that -- scrawled on the Bailey tennis courts, reading, "Holla atcha boi")!"

During analysis of a modern poem with the honors class, student JB says: "Ms. Nelson, is it OK if we do the suspended hand rule?" RW and I burst out laughing, becuase JB meant to say, as I always do, "we will suspend the raising hand rule for this activity."

Ahh, laughter on the job.

Goodbye, Ms. R.

Something really sudden and sad happened at our school. Well, all disappointments at school occur this way. Suddenness is implicit in urban school system functioning. The janitor on my hall got transferred to another school because of intra-staff conflict. I can't beleive she didn't tell me before she left. I hate the fact that her cozy janitor closet, down my hall by the stairs and library, where my 7th block and I make a pit-stop every other day, is now occupied by a stranger. The new lady is fine. But she is no Ms. R.

Ms. R. had a florescent spirit. She was loving, very intuitive about the students (she knew their business, somehow), and truly part of the faculty on the English hall. We adored her and happily threw our 10 bucks in every Christmas for her gift.

I am shocked and dismayed that precious human souls get tossed around carelessly in organizations. The way urban schools are set up (the employment structure, the way large numbers of state employes are managed) enables coworkers with a bone to pick to use the bureaucratic apparatus as a tool for personal vengence. It's so effective for disgruntled higher-ups because it's such a clean-cut way to stick it to someone. No blood, no malice, no unfair play....or so it seems.

Showing out and Sins of Omission

Ugh....what do those have to do with each other, you're wondering. Well, to be blunt, not much. Just two thoughts adjacent in my brain today.

Showing out: a colloquailism used in my school to mean, "acting up, making a scene, or exhibiting in some way unbecoming behavior." Or, sometimes, it is used jokingly to relay that you did something memorable that stood out. Well, a student told me I did this at prom. (It's amazing the reputation propogation Facebook pictures can accomplish, so non-prom goers (i.e., my underclassmen) can suddenly be vitual participants and commentators from afar. In fact, it's almost like you have to have vicarious experience in order to have a peanut gallery stance about it; if you were there, what need you say (to prove your inclusion)? OK, so a sophomore in the lunch line said to me today, "Ms. Nelson, I saw you at prom -- well, on Facebook. You had your dress and your red glasses. You blew up tuating."

Now, you're thinking, I really need explanation. This colloqialism is fresh off the conveyer belt, I believe. It's pronounced sh-ou(like "ouch)-a-ting. It means, you made an impression that was likeable and popular. Hmm. I'll take that as a compliment!

Two: I pray that in these last 6 class periods before the state test, I give my students everything I can to equip themfor the test. That I not be lazy and only just-enough-it. I know I would regret that! To live a regretless life...what a blessing that would be!

My Undergraduate Thesis

Check out THIS link!


Nelson, Jennifer. “The Church’s Doorstep, Networks and Sweet Spot: Sketching the Religious Ecologies of Urban, Monumental Cathedrals and Churches in New York City and Paris”.    (Senior Honors' Thesis in Columbia University Department of Sociology), 142 , 2008. Click here

Excerpts

(I assigned some of my classes the 31 Reverb journal prompts and gave them 31 days to compelte them. Odd, cruel, maybe, but I really enjoyed meeting my students through their writing. Hopefully excerpting some of my favorites doesn't break copyright or other laws?)

"The most joyful ordinary moment was when I was at JROTC practice. When we see each other mess up it is a hilarious and joyful moment." (JJ)

(Sunday a.m. ... more excerpts I don't want to forget.)

"2010 was a little rocky but fun. I am truly blessed to say I lived to see 2010." (AK) AMEN sister!! Great way to put that thought.

(Monday a.m. ... some more...)

"Dear my past self, First off you should study more because this scientist life takes a lot of knowledge. Also you should read everyday so you can become mindful of everything you should know. ... Just prepare yourself for the future." (MJ)

"The wisest decision I made this year was deciding to pass Miss Nelson’s English II class. It’s like trying to fit your foot into a shoe half your size. It’s hard, uncomfortable, and frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, Miss Nelson, you’re a fantastic teacher, but please do not become any more passionate than what ou already are. You’ve already killed me like, seventy million times. Ugh, chill out!

Even though I dread doing homework, projects are definitely included, I haven’t been so interested in class (for there to be no music). In my other classes I can’t pay attention for more than 15-17 minutes at a time without music. Unfortunately, I promised A that I’d pass your class (and I never break a promise) So I’m working on it." (RW)

"During this year I can recall a time when I became integrated with my body. [...] It's like a wave of intelligence just overtook my entire body. Every question they dished out at me I quickly responded back with a highly educated response. I don't know what it was, it just a part of my brain configured these facts and solutions from everywhere. As I was saying these things, I was thinking to myself, 'Is this really me and did I actually just say this?' That truly was a proud day." (BM)