Usually I love to run daily. I am on break now, and wasn't motivated to do it today. I decided when I woke up, "Not today." I wonder how to be free in rest...to be at ease with a choice to slow down every once and a while. I wonder what it would be like to give up running and not to use it as a crutch for sanity, or as insurance that I stay fit. I only think about these things when I don't run; otherwise, I am reaping the benefits from running so much, that such questions don't even enter my head.
When I was sleeping in this morning, I felt unmotivated to approach the day. I wonder why that is? Is it the abrupt loss of purpose and mission that I feel from the cessation of schoolwork? Is it being in my home state, continuing relationships that are now so different than they were when I was a girl? (On that note, one of my relationships is much stronger and richer than it was when I was younger, so that is really cool to see...fruit being borne!)
I am thankful that most days, when I am in the throes of a semester, I am immediately swept into the current of the day, without thinking through so intensely (or at such length) the meaning of its contents and actions. If I thought through all I did beforehand so long, nothing would ever get done. I am thankful for the current, and look forward to being swept up in it. The only danger then is, forgetting my need. In more contemplative times like now, I feel my need and realize I am not a self-reliant machine with all joyful output. I rely on a source to fuel me: my Provider. In this light, I'm not stalling, but I am refueling.
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