Fill, not Fix

“There’s no pain the Lord can’t fill,” sings Yolanda Adams. Oh. I thought. Fill – not FIX.

This radically contests my old ways of thinking about God and the way He loves me. His methods of healing and renewal and victory are different from my own. It’s not that He loves when I do the right things or, aside from moral decision-making, am smart enough to elect the best sequence of strategies to accomplish my goal. I’m reminded of Gideon being sent by God with a tiny army so that it would be obvious that Gideon triumphed because of God’s assistance and presence with him in battle.

I won’t win the battle by outsmarting the circumstance and having the better methods. No. I win the battle when God enters the situation and starts re-ordering exactly those circumstances where I look and feel weakest of all. This way, I know God got the victory. It was not by anything I did, not by any feat of self-control or self-reliant powers of IQ or EQ.

This fact about who God is gives me hope in circumstances where I feel the odds are stacked against me, or seem nearly insurmountable, or, where I am finally beyond myself.

"Pleasantly Shocked"

One of my friends, A, who I have become much more close with this past semester even though I have known her for 5 years now, used this phrase to describe her reaction to learning things about me that she didn't expect. I love replaying the flashback in my head, and laughing about it with her still today: we were at a teachers' after-school unwinding session at a Mexican restaurant in Byram. (Ahh, those were the days!) That was back in the days that iPhones were still rare, we both had flip phones (I think), and it was also the day that we learned we had things in common. It was the inception of our friendship, though its growth sped up exponentially in hard times.

I have to say too that I am pleasantly shocked with the process of getting to know her. She is a perfect illustration of how deep God has built us to be as His creations, the capacity He has placed in each of us to have compassion, to give comfort, to spread joy, to provide rest in times of restlessness, laughter in times of merriment. Students look to her as a confidant; something about her aura signals to them (and apropriately so) that she is trustworthy and able to empathize. Someday I want to be like that. B and M, also friends of mine and coincidentally also former teachers, also have this trait, whereby students and peers know they can turn to them when they need comfort to know that their experiences don't make them unusual, but rather, that we can all relate to difficult situations in life.

A makes me feel like I fit in, like I can be freer in life -- but at the same time wise. She sets an example for me of what a mature woman is, who still has a youthful spirit but is at the same time competent at managing parental, spousal, and occupational roles. She's real!

Today I rejoice in those things, moments, and people that pleasantly shock us.

Final Push

I have 6 more days of school. Six more days in which to write two papers and do one set of readings. I can do this, I can do this. I know God will get me there. He's my Provider, material and psycho-social. (that's a very academic way to put it; maybe I should have just said tangible and intangible, or material and relational.) All the resources I need, he's got 'em. He gives freely.

I've been able to sleep more this weekend than I did during the week. And yet, as I attempt to sit down and write one of these papers, I just feel utterly exhausted. How to beat deep-seated exhaustion? The deep-down kind of tiredness that is set back behind appearances, behind that liveliness that comes when the work week is over. Deep, deep down, that tiredness that hasn't been resolved. Maybe a nap will help. But maybe that's just me avoiding writing!

I'm happy to report that last week I was able to crank out a pretty long paper from pretty much scratch. Well, like Mr. Bowman in high school taught us, if you have all your materials ready, you can crank out college term papers in a snap. So yeah, for this paper I did have that situation more or less. I was really satisfied upon completing it because I can confidently say it was the creation of a delectable mix of discipline and creativity. The only downer is, that was my favorite paper for the term; the two ahead of me are less pleasant and exciting to me. But if I'm to be optimistic, I'm in that situation with these two papers that lie ahead, too, that I already have a chunk of the work done, though not all materials gathered. Oh, and also except that last week I had 5 days to devote to the one paper, and this time I have the same amount of time, but two papers. Yikes. I also wonder what kind of grade I'll get in the business class...I can hope for the best, but honestly, I just don't know what I'll get! I've worked hard in that class, that I can say confidently. Don't think I could have worked any harder. So whatever grade I get is OK.

So this entry is a bit of whining to get me prepped for a writing spree. Let's hope it actually does work that way! And that I don't tire of the taste of coffee!

Cheers to the little reliefs God gives us each day, the immutable fact that each day will always end and a new one will come, that tiredness will be resolved in rest and He knows how much we need it to keep on (even when we're oblivious to or ignore our own needs), for the blessing of time passing when you're in the productivity-zone, for the energy to do work each day, to get the work done that needs to get done that day. For the thrill of work finished. For the will to bulldoze through massive amounts of readings, to fight the urge to do anything other than write. For the refreshment of friendships old and new to keep the heart and mind full and hopeful. Lord, I'm not missing all that You're doing. You see me and You provide. As you always have.