I Press On...to Win the Prize

Is there anything like a conversation with a friend who knows what you're going through, doesn't make you feel judged, but makes you feel free to all the good possibilities in life?

Conversations like that, wow. Being set free by someone's calm approach to the hardships we all face in life, and by their love for you that is not to be earned: what can compare?

I am looking upon this coming summer like it will be a very serious time. I have had times of rest, enjoyment, ease, fun; I feel a season of taking a real inventory of myself, where I am with God, all coming. Of course, it's kind of intimidating. Who wouldn't rather have an easy summer?

I pray for the courage to make the ones I love most feel free, like this friend who I called made me feel. I pray for courage to be all that God created me to be. Sometimes it is a very intimidating call, but God is faithful to get us there. Forgetting what is past, and straining toward what lies ahead, I pray with all my might to, as India.Arie puts it, to be "headed in the right direction."To know that I am headed in the right direction; what peace can compare? The real completion of the real Bible verse goes, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Thank you God, for times of fun,
for times of rest in the middle of a streak of hard work,
for the relief of forgiveness,
the julibee of bright pink shirts,
the undeserved blessing of complete freedom

Even though I am technically free of responsibility
God,
please make me feel responsible
for taking care
of the ones you love.

There's delight in this responsibility,
I know there is.

God I pray
that you help me
be honest, pure, patient, and determined
to attain -- to recognize, to taste, to know, to appreciate --
Your very best for me.

Happy

This photo was staged and taken by my dear friend, C. It tells so many stories at the same time: She's in my room, after I moved far away, so I am really happy. She brought some books for my middle school students here to use from MS, so she did a very meaningful favor for me by driving them to me across three states. (Of course, that is not why she came, just a favor she threw in.) Third, her creativity in arranging the books in a heart shape-- I love reading, I love the fact that my friends came to see me. That was a really happy day, and she captured it creatively. The time she gave me this photo it was even more of a gift, because I needed the encouragement that day. Thanks, C!

Different Psalm on a Different Day

Two days ago, I thought, "None of these Psalms apply to me. I'm not the innocent. I can't say what David is saying." Then, just yesterday, a different Psalm and a different day, struck fresh upon my own experience. In stark contrast to the preceding day, I felt like my own voice and cries were there upon the page. I was included.

Today I'm thankful and happy that the Word includes me, will always be relevant to me, and will be the place where I am best understood. I don't have to fear what God thinks (and my, He has brought me a long way to say and believe that!), about me, about my situation, about others. I know God understands how I feel in it all, because the Word he gave me puts my own fears and hopes, victories and despair, joys and sorrows, in writing. And I love good writing.... His Word satisfies. It reminds, refreshes, and gives resolve to try again. What other God cares so much for His children's hearts and desires? His goodness is deep, and it is here to stay.

Each day, God keeps on proving Himself true and trustworthy.

Writing: Work, Worries, or a Wonder?

This morning I have the completion of my theory paper upon me. It is to be 15-20 pages. I've finished the reading for it; my outline with quotes and all (each point is really a paragraph already) is about that long. I don't have any more reading to do, but my final section needs to be a creative synthesis of it all, but it should be fun to do because I am basing it on reflections of my time teaching-- specifically, on NCLB.

The sooner I finish this paper, the sooner I can head to Jackson!

I've found myself actually enjoying the intense schedule of work that grad school has meant to me this semester especially. Not that I didn't work hard last semester, because I did. But I have less idle time in my apartment this semester, on account of taking four classes and picking up a part time job. Thus, my leisure time now is far more valuable than it was to me last semester. But in writing this theory paper, I find the writing process so gratifying that I wish this could be my living. I don't even mind having a very limited audience--- indeed, even an audience of two! My joy and satisfaction in writing (at least in this paper) does not hinge upon the attention it will receive. My joy is in the thinking process that writing activates, how it's creative, and how I strongly feel I was born to write.

Maybe straining to publish academic articles and back to back research projects doesn't sound like fun to me, but books? I could do that. Educational theory? One big, meaty project? Oh yes, I could do that. It feels good to be doing what I know I was meant to do. Writing, though fun, is still work, not leisure. So it's enjoyable, fulfilling work. This is God's gift, no doubt.

Since it's early in the morning and I haven't even turned to my class writing yet, what can scripture illuminate about this topic? About work, here's what God told David (to tell Solomon).

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the Temple of the LORD is finished correctly. (1 Chronicles 28:20)

This exhortation is instructive on two levels. First, God knows that the nature of work as experienced by the human worker can intimidate. Hence, procrastination and complaining can set in. Second, God does give us tasks to complete, projects which are His work indeed, but He himself assists in their completion, sending helpers and skills and time to do so. In this light, achievement (as another word for completion) is a highly spiritual act.

Spring: a poem

Meaningful conversations
Twilit evenings
The cool breeze on my drive home
Philosophy in everyday life
Significance oozing from the mundane
I miss those times, your face.

Decision Making

A Bible verse I read recently got me thinking about choices and how they are related to asking God what to do about a situation. In the book of Joshua, there's a part about how a tribe was intimidated by the nation of Israel, so they decided to deceive the Israelite's leader by saying they were from far away and wanted a peace treaty, when in fact they were a neighboring country. The Israelites figured out they had been fooled too late, after they made the vow of peace with them. Here's the verse (Joshua 9:14): "So the Israelites examined their food but they did not consult the LORD." Basically they rushed into a vow without basing it on any "evidence" other than what they saw with their own eyes. Interesting, huh? And very convicting for me. I think I do this all the time: proceed in haste, purposely bypassing asking God about it because I am afraid He will direct me otherwise, or because it's just a painful and sometimes confusing process to consider alternatives. On the other hand, I am also reading a short book right now that argues that "waiting" on God to show you His will to make any decisions in your life is no good, either, because a lot of the decisions we make in life are non-ethical decisions -- i.e., should I take job A or job B. 


Thus, seeking God's will becomes less of a frightening waiting game in which I fear His thunderous proclamation of "NO YOU CAN'T, DAUGHTER," and becomes rather more of a task that requires time, as I analyze how a given situation makes me either more or less likely to follow God, be willing to obey what He has already written to us in His Word, or whether it hinders my ability to glorify Him by causing me to sin. What I really really love to discover is when that particular situation under scrutiny is an avenue by which I discover who I am, have a new-found sense of how God created me and is creating my life's story, and sense anew my great need for God's grace.

Oral History

As part of the alternate route to teaching program I did from 2008-2011, I was interviewed about my experience in the Mississippi Teacher Corps, about moving to and living in the South, and about my experience in the teaching profession. You can read or listen to my interview here:

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/19668120/Mississippi_Teacher_Corps_Oral_History_Website/Oral_Histories/Entries/2012/3/7_Ms._Jennifer_Nelson.html