Best Friends

I like a conversation that makes me think. I also like honest conversations. S. and I were discussing today what makes for a real friend, and we concluded it had nothing to do with being in the same stage of life. She's married and has kids, though only four (?) years older than me; I, on the other hand, spend most of my time researching and writing, planning my next steps career-wise, and daydreaming about my future family. But this matters not. When we talk, she can easily relate anything I am going through to what she's going through. I love the good talking partner who remembers details and can draw careful parallels to what you're going through. How distinct this is from dishing out raw advice, or talking about yourself all the time, or simply not listening by talking over you and blatantly interrupting you. I've experienced those things lately too, and they help put in stark contrast the powerful blessing of a real friend who listens closely, gives you things to think about, and who you walk away from feeling enriched, and even built-up. Better off than when you went into conversation. As S. says, "we mutually benefit each other" -- I rather agree.

Now, to apply these "who is my real friend?" dynamics to a significant other. D, a father-figure in my life, says, along with my mother's advice too: "Marry your best friend." That's awfully convicting; and they're trustworthy sources, insofar as they both married twice, and married their best friend the second time around. I used to think that idea was so romantic, "the second time around" (I blame you, "Step by Step" opening credits song!). Now I think it is very complicated. I do regard my significant other as a friend, maybe even best friend. We are able to reflect together, be honest together, go deep together in analyzing ourselves, our lives. On the other hand, the communication isn't exactly the same as it is with a girl best friend. I'd say communication is often a struggle, even if it turns out to be productive and needed. I feel that mutual understanding sometimes has to be earned through the work of hearing the other out, seeing their perspective, and discerning what is good for the two of us. Saying what I mean, without offending; not minimizing and not over-reacting, either; getting to the honest answer in the most tactful but direct way, too. Building up and encouraging, but also saying what needs to be said. Perhaps this is a measure too of who you spend the most time with, care most about, and have the most at stake with (eww, dangling prepositions). Of course, communication is going to be more difficult when the emotional bond and dependence is stronger, and the time spent together means a lot bigger mutual repertoire to draw on. In other words, T. and I share a massive library together now, so communication now draws upon much wider shared understandings, shared memories, shared hopes and dreams.