Throughout the school year last year, I would almost always fall asleep to a movie -- within the first 5 minutes -- while T. and I were winding down for the day. Looking back, I like how I was constantly exhausted from work and school. Especially on Fridays, there was no forcing my body into activity. That was my melt-down, take-it-easy-at-last day.
Now that it's summer, and I am working but nothing like teaching and going to class on a relentless weekly routine, you'd think the exhaustion would be less. And it certainly is. However, these past two days, my body has been in a definite lull. Yesterday, I couldn't get up as early as I wanted. I forced myself to exercise at midday, and paid for it with a lethargic bodily response from 1:30-3:30. Ugh, that was annoying to go through; while I wanted to be working, my body was so apathetic it drowned my hopes for productivity. Today, I was in no mood for spin class, but did it nonetheless, although I wasn't pushing myself super-hard. I figure, some exercise is better than none at all. Also, I am a routine person. Better not to break routines than to suffer the consequences of feeling lazy afterwards.
The purpose of this post is not to blabber on and on, but to try to make two points: (1) sometimes I would probably be better served by not exercising/running on a given day, especially when it breaks my flow of concentration and work, as it did yesterday. This is a form of discipline of mind. (2) I wonder what is up with my body, when I am in a lull like that. I am not particularly sleep deprived, compared to any other time. Hmmm.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Quality Media
I really love when you are spending the day with someone really close to you, and you or the other person learns something new about the other. This happened last weekend on Friday night when T and I had dinner with an older couple. I mentioned that I first felt very strongly towards Jesus in 8th grade when I saw the Jesus Christ Superstar crucifixion scene, and T. said, "Really? I didn't know that." And it hit me, one, God has been intertwining amazing little events like this one to turn my to knowing and trusting and loving Him for a very long time now. Two, it feels very good to have someone interested in your life and to know about your life on a deep level. Three, human beings are unfathomable, the memories and reasons and recollections they contain. Each day is a new opportunity for the sharing and learning. Four, when you share about yourself with others, you learn about yourself, too. Five, thank you Linda for exposing me to this movie. This is some seriously quality media, here. Makes me want to time travel, or at least watch/listen to it again. Which leads me to six, sure is nice that we can repeat doing the things we love.Happy Reading
I've currently got my nose in three books: Angelou's "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," a contemporary fiction book, "Shelter Me," and still Jane Jacob's "The Death and Life of Great American Cities."
About the first, I will say that I ALWAYS love an autobiography about growing up black in the South, since I have no expertise whatsoever on the topic. I am reading this book in order to teach a reading workshop for the public high schoolers' mandatory summer reading. Summer reading is a nice thought on the schools' part, but I've got to say, the infrastructure for such a program just simply is not in place. There are 30,000 readers, k-12, across Jackson, and the schools do not provide books. Public libraries have about 65 copies per grade level, with extremely strict check out and due date parameters. You do the math. Anyways, "Caged Bird" is especially great because Angelou has that special ability to both critique and see through ugly truths about the adult worl (well, she did write this as an adult, I guess, looking back), while simultaneously maintaining a rather merciful, loving stance towards family and others who have hurt her. That is, she doesn't tip into the outward territories of naiveté or bitterness. This book is a lot like Janneatee Wall's "Glass Castle" or Anne Moody's "Coming of Age in Mississippi."
"Shelter Me" is a book I can read without thinking too hard. It's about a young mother whose husband died in a bike accident. She's left with two kids. The author does an excellent job tracking the mourning process in a step-by-step, day-by-day way. Also a main point of the book is how surprising it is to find out who helps you most in your worst times-- not always the people you'd expect to be there for you the most.
Jane Jacob's book continues to be an inspiration to me. I don't know how she can talk about sidewalks for 100 pages and keep my interest, but she does! T. is an architect, so I love to torture him by reading aloud long excerpts of her observations on what urban planning ought to be, but isn't.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
WUWT: What's Up With That?
One of my best friends is a star teacher at a public school in a critical needs district. The principal of this teacher's school is blocking the teacher from doing things the teacher has requested, all for benefit of the students. The principal keeps finding other people to fill these roles. What's up with a leader blocking a competent, passionate worker's way to blossoming as a teacher? This is really sad to me. Broken Systems, here's what you look like.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Clean coffee mugs and high heels
Today I got up later than I would have hoped I would, but the day is not a wash because of it. God's still giving me motivation to make much of this day.
As I was preparing coffee to bring to work, I opened up an old travel mug, which I've been using relentlessly these past three years, day in and day out. A gross slime accompanied the opening. Sick. I washed it out and intended to use another mug. Then, with the warm water in it full, I changed my mind. I grabbed the grapefruit-colored Dawn detergent, squeezed in a good amount, and brushed the mug hard. The cap too.
As I walked up the hill to work, I was relieved to see how clean the mug had gotten. The lid was literally shining, with bristle marks from the scrubber there to insure its completely clean state. I'd gotten the gunk out of the sliding cap too. From this simple thing, I thought, with a newfound sense of relief, that's how Jesus approaches us in our sin, too. He decides to scrub us clean, to the point where there is visible evidence of our newly clean state. To me this said, don't give up. And also, you're always covered in His blood. He will ever make you clean. After years and years of use as His vessel, He will always make me clean again, ready for His use. How reassuring!
Now, heels. Yesterday I wore these swanky brown leather heels with my old brown Talbots dress. The heels made the outfit, for sure. They made me look far more mature than I have in recent years. Anyways, T. has been explaining to me how one can observe a woman wearing heels and be able to tell, "oh, those heels are walking her" or "Yes, she's walking those heels." In other words, does the wearer of the shoes have control over herself in them? If she does, she looks forward with ease and balance, not examining or looking down at her footwear and stride. I thought to myself entering church, this is so like our Christian walk. The effortlessness means we are trusting Jesus with it; the endless examination and criticism of self while trying to walk with Him is evidence of putting too much emphasis on self and "stacking up" to His way. While it's essential to feel the need to walk in a way acceptable to our Heavenly Father, hope will not be found in the self-focused walk. Rather, hope is found when we are almost floating on His promises. Oh, help me believe your promises, God! Help me walk this faith with a supernatural balance that comes from You.
As I was preparing coffee to bring to work, I opened up an old travel mug, which I've been using relentlessly these past three years, day in and day out. A gross slime accompanied the opening. Sick. I washed it out and intended to use another mug. Then, with the warm water in it full, I changed my mind. I grabbed the grapefruit-colored Dawn detergent, squeezed in a good amount, and brushed the mug hard. The cap too.
As I walked up the hill to work, I was relieved to see how clean the mug had gotten. The lid was literally shining, with bristle marks from the scrubber there to insure its completely clean state. I'd gotten the gunk out of the sliding cap too. From this simple thing, I thought, with a newfound sense of relief, that's how Jesus approaches us in our sin, too. He decides to scrub us clean, to the point where there is visible evidence of our newly clean state. To me this said, don't give up. And also, you're always covered in His blood. He will ever make you clean. After years and years of use as His vessel, He will always make me clean again, ready for His use. How reassuring!
Now, heels. Yesterday I wore these swanky brown leather heels with my old brown Talbots dress. The heels made the outfit, for sure. They made me look far more mature than I have in recent years. Anyways, T. has been explaining to me how one can observe a woman wearing heels and be able to tell, "oh, those heels are walking her" or "Yes, she's walking those heels." In other words, does the wearer of the shoes have control over herself in them? If she does, she looks forward with ease and balance, not examining or looking down at her footwear and stride. I thought to myself entering church, this is so like our Christian walk. The effortlessness means we are trusting Jesus with it; the endless examination and criticism of self while trying to walk with Him is evidence of putting too much emphasis on self and "stacking up" to His way. While it's essential to feel the need to walk in a way acceptable to our Heavenly Father, hope will not be found in the self-focused walk. Rather, hope is found when we are almost floating on His promises. Oh, help me believe your promises, God! Help me walk this faith with a supernatural balance that comes from You.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Fear
Looking back upon my baby Christian years, I think it is a curious thing indeed that my first ever memory verse that I recall was Joshua 1:9: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." How more relevant of a verse could the Bible contain for me at a time like this, when I am about to move and feel very afraid, when I am doubting my secure place in His arms?
3 “‘If you follow my decrees and are careful to obey my commands, 4 I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees their fruit. 5 Your threshing will continue until grape harvest and the grape harvest will continue until planting, and you will eat all the food you want and live in safety in your land.
6 “‘I will grant peace in the land, and you will lie down and no one will make you afraid. I will remove wild beasts from the land...
Ahhh, to live in safety in the land! To lie down unafraid, and to feel peace! God knows we long for these things, and need them, and He therefore is happy to grant them, when we trust His way. I count the peace these Scriptures give me my blessing for today.
Another passage to encourage those in fear is in Levitcus 26. I admit, I know nothing about context, so I will not make too much commentary on it. I will just enjoy the promises.
Leviticus 26
Reward for Obedience
1 “‘Do not make idols or set up an image or a sacred stone for yourselves, and do not place a carved stone in your land to bow down before it. I am the LORD your God. 2 “‘Observe my Sabbaths and have reverence for my sanctuary. I am the LORD.3 “‘If you follow my decrees and are careful to obey my commands, 4 I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees their fruit. 5 Your threshing will continue until grape harvest and the grape harvest will continue until planting, and you will eat all the food you want and live in safety in your land.
6 “‘I will grant peace in the land, and you will lie down and no one will make you afraid. I will remove wild beasts from the land...
Ahhh, to live in safety in the land! To lie down unafraid, and to feel peace! God knows we long for these things, and need them, and He therefore is happy to grant them, when we trust His way. I count the peace these Scriptures give me my blessing for today.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I love my home
Today I am strongly reminded of why I love Jackson, MS, why I find this place so strongly to be my home. As I sit in bed and read, a new wind of delight and absolute positive anticipation of my imminent return to school that is in my near future has blown through my mind. It's such a refreshing change of emotion! I think reading something that reminds me of the subject I love so much, sociology, gets me back in that secure place in my mind, which seeps over into my heart and soul, too.
I was dreading summer break for a long time, for I knew its capacity for idle time would send my nerves reeling in fear of my pending change of address, vocation, and company. Indeed, many times this June, it did just that. My mind has an amazing ability to, as T. puts it, "flip to the back of the Rolodex, select the 'Worst Case Scenario' card, and place it on the front of the roll," then proceed to obsess about it. Well, on this sunny Sunday, as I sit at home and enjoy Jane Jacobs' overly passionate diatribe on sidewalks and the vitality and safety the good ones lend to thriving city centers, I am conquering this fear. And it's not my victory that I brought to myself by some exciting psychological trick that overcame my crazed fears. No, it is the Lord who is giving me today the gift of peace about -- and even of excitement for -- the future.
I am looking forward to getting in the zone again, when I wade deep in reading and thinking and writing papers. I am so thankful that God has given this "refuge" for me. I say refuge because it is a place where I feel extreme joy and delight in this life. I am really happy there. It's very helpful to be strongly cognizant of that in this particular junture in my life, where I am on the brink of transition. Without memory of who I am, the ways God has blessed me in the past, and the passions He has instilled in me to the point of them becoming my nature and instinct and compass of self-direction (how true it is that He gives me a sense of direction, too, in big things -- this is an entirely different and equally enormous thing to be grateful for, another gift straight from His hand), I would feel only that I am being torn from home.
I comfort myself (those three words in order sound pathetic, don't they?) by putting myself in the position of a high school graduate in her intervening summer between home-bound adolescence and adulthood-bound semi-independence, as she awaits freshmen orientation at a college remotely distant from her home. Feelings of anticipation and pre-separation homesickness are stricking her simultaneously, aren't they? The anxiety of how her environment is about to change, and how it will change all that is currently stable and predictable in her life, will trouble her otherwise easy, undemanding (underdemanding?) summer months. But even when she leaves, those who love her there will remain in the same state of love, just as she herself will remain connected in her heart, to her core, to those she loves at home. That was ceratinly true of me and dad when I left for college thousands of miles away. We did not grow apart, at all; I would argue we got closer with distance.
I find it necessary to add here that a lot can impact one's heart and even one's life course in the span of one simple summer. So summers ought not be discounted. Within the limits of this blog entry, summers seem to have no use but to make one wait on the inevitable which will come crashing down as soon as the summer clock expires. So take heart Summer: I do not hate you, nor do I underestimate you. You are a force to be appreciated, for you, apart from other seasons, spur self-examination and bodily care and rest more than the other seasons (as much as I do prefer the other seasons of the year! Why is it that I feel more contented in a daily lifestyle that leaves me feeling exhausted and wrung-out as a shower cloth? Maybe I like the sensation of feeling used-up, as if I am putting myself to maximum use and am filled to the brim. But kid not yourself, Self: you know you worry during the off-off-season [that is, months other than summer] just as much. You can just bury it easier becuase you get quickly re-occupied....which I would argue is aother one of God's gifts: when you're busy using your gifts in daily life, through your job, serving others, then you can stop dwelling inside yourself and on yourself so much. Yuck. I think that's an undesireable state, like a place you don't want to be, such as a low-scale, one-star hotel that smells like "sweaty chocolate.").
All this being said, I am happy God brings relief to mind. This relief is especially sweet when you aren't even expecting it, through methods or activities or stimuli you wouldn't expect.He gives psychological rest for the overworked analyzer. People like us work psychological overtime by choice, with no extra wages (sick, huh?). Today, I think less of what the future could hold, and how it will come to be, and more of how my future, yet again, has been put in place for me to step on towards. There aren't any rocky grounds here; my path is well-defined. And honestly, I do know I will enjoy what I am about to devote myself to do: intense study and research for 4 years.
I think today I just tasted some of what the prodigal son tasted when he came home to his merciful father: I am "coming" to myself, and am finding a greater degree of gratitude and rest there.
I was dreading summer break for a long time, for I knew its capacity for idle time would send my nerves reeling in fear of my pending change of address, vocation, and company. Indeed, many times this June, it did just that. My mind has an amazing ability to, as T. puts it, "flip to the back of the Rolodex, select the 'Worst Case Scenario' card, and place it on the front of the roll," then proceed to obsess about it. Well, on this sunny Sunday, as I sit at home and enjoy Jane Jacobs' overly passionate diatribe on sidewalks and the vitality and safety the good ones lend to thriving city centers, I am conquering this fear. And it's not my victory that I brought to myself by some exciting psychological trick that overcame my crazed fears. No, it is the Lord who is giving me today the gift of peace about -- and even of excitement for -- the future.
I am looking forward to getting in the zone again, when I wade deep in reading and thinking and writing papers. I am so thankful that God has given this "refuge" for me. I say refuge because it is a place where I feel extreme joy and delight in this life. I am really happy there. It's very helpful to be strongly cognizant of that in this particular junture in my life, where I am on the brink of transition. Without memory of who I am, the ways God has blessed me in the past, and the passions He has instilled in me to the point of them becoming my nature and instinct and compass of self-direction (how true it is that He gives me a sense of direction, too, in big things -- this is an entirely different and equally enormous thing to be grateful for, another gift straight from His hand), I would feel only that I am being torn from home.
I comfort myself (those three words in order sound pathetic, don't they?) by putting myself in the position of a high school graduate in her intervening summer between home-bound adolescence and adulthood-bound semi-independence, as she awaits freshmen orientation at a college remotely distant from her home. Feelings of anticipation and pre-separation homesickness are stricking her simultaneously, aren't they? The anxiety of how her environment is about to change, and how it will change all that is currently stable and predictable in her life, will trouble her otherwise easy, undemanding (underdemanding?) summer months. But even when she leaves, those who love her there will remain in the same state of love, just as she herself will remain connected in her heart, to her core, to those she loves at home. That was ceratinly true of me and dad when I left for college thousands of miles away. We did not grow apart, at all; I would argue we got closer with distance.
I find it necessary to add here that a lot can impact one's heart and even one's life course in the span of one simple summer. So summers ought not be discounted. Within the limits of this blog entry, summers seem to have no use but to make one wait on the inevitable which will come crashing down as soon as the summer clock expires. So take heart Summer: I do not hate you, nor do I underestimate you. You are a force to be appreciated, for you, apart from other seasons, spur self-examination and bodily care and rest more than the other seasons (as much as I do prefer the other seasons of the year! Why is it that I feel more contented in a daily lifestyle that leaves me feeling exhausted and wrung-out as a shower cloth? Maybe I like the sensation of feeling used-up, as if I am putting myself to maximum use and am filled to the brim. But kid not yourself, Self: you know you worry during the off-off-season [that is, months other than summer] just as much. You can just bury it easier becuase you get quickly re-occupied....which I would argue is aother one of God's gifts: when you're busy using your gifts in daily life, through your job, serving others, then you can stop dwelling inside yourself and on yourself so much. Yuck. I think that's an undesireable state, like a place you don't want to be, such as a low-scale, one-star hotel that smells like "sweaty chocolate.").
All this being said, I am happy God brings relief to mind. This relief is especially sweet when you aren't even expecting it, through methods or activities or stimuli you wouldn't expect.He gives psychological rest for the overworked analyzer. People like us work psychological overtime by choice, with no extra wages (sick, huh?). Today, I think less of what the future could hold, and how it will come to be, and more of how my future, yet again, has been put in place for me to step on towards. There aren't any rocky grounds here; my path is well-defined. And honestly, I do know I will enjoy what I am about to devote myself to do: intense study and research for 4 years.
I think today I just tasted some of what the prodigal son tasted when he came home to his merciful father: I am "coming" to myself, and am finding a greater degree of gratitude and rest there.
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