Today I am strongly reminded of why I love Jackson, MS, why I find this place so strongly to be my home. As I sit in bed and read, a new wind of delight and absolute positive anticipation of my imminent return to school that is in my near future has blown through my mind. It's such a refreshing change of emotion! I think reading something that reminds me of the subject I love so much, sociology, gets me back in that secure place in my mind, which seeps over into my heart and soul, too.
I was dreading summer break for a long time, for I knew its capacity for idle time would send my nerves reeling in fear of my pending change of address, vocation, and company. Indeed, many times this June, it did just that. My mind has an amazing ability to, as T. puts it, "flip to the back of the Rolodex, select the 'Worst Case Scenario' card, and place it on the front of the roll," then proceed to obsess about it. Well, on this sunny Sunday, as I sit at home and enjoy Jane Jacobs' overly passionate diatribe on sidewalks and the vitality and safety the good ones lend to thriving city centers, I am conquering this fear. And it's not my victory that I brought to myself by some exciting psychological trick that overcame my crazed fears. No, it is the Lord who is giving me today the gift of peace about -- and even of excitement for -- the future.
I am looking forward to getting in the zone again, when I wade deep in reading and thinking and writing papers. I am so thankful that God has given this "refuge" for me. I say refuge because it is a place where I feel extreme joy and delight in this life. I am really happy there. It's very helpful to be strongly cognizant of that in this particular junture in my life, where I am on the brink of transition. Without memory of who I am, the ways God has blessed me in the past, and the passions He has instilled in me to the point of them becoming my nature and instinct and compass of self-direction (how true it is that He gives me a sense of direction, too, in big things -- this is an entirely different and equally enormous thing to be grateful for, another gift straight from His hand), I would feel only that I am being torn from home.
I comfort myself (those three words in order sound pathetic, don't they?) by putting myself in the position of a high school graduate in her intervening summer between home-bound adolescence and adulthood-bound semi-independence, as she awaits freshmen orientation at a college remotely distant from her home. Feelings of anticipation and pre-separation homesickness are stricking her simultaneously, aren't they? The anxiety of how her environment is about to change, and how it will change all that is currently stable and predictable in her life, will trouble her otherwise easy, undemanding (underdemanding?) summer months. But even when she leaves, those who love her there will remain in the same state of love, just as she herself will remain connected in her heart, to her core, to those she loves at home. That was ceratinly true of me and dad when I left for college thousands of miles away. We did not grow apart, at all; I would argue we got closer with distance.
I find it necessary to add here that a lot can impact one's heart and even one's life course in the span of one simple summer. So summers ought not be discounted. Within the limits of this blog entry, summers seem to have no use but to make one wait on the inevitable which will come crashing down as soon as the summer clock expires. So take heart Summer: I do not hate you, nor do I underestimate you. You are a force to be appreciated, for you, apart from other seasons, spur self-examination and bodily care and rest more than the other seasons (as much as I do prefer the other seasons of the year! Why is it that I feel more contented in a daily lifestyle that leaves me feeling exhausted and wrung-out as a shower cloth? Maybe I like the sensation of feeling used-up, as if I am putting myself to maximum use and am filled to the brim. But kid not yourself, Self: you know you worry during the off-off-season [that is, months other than summer] just as much. You can just bury it easier becuase you get quickly re-occupied....which I would argue is aother one of God's gifts: when you're busy using your gifts in daily life, through your job, serving others, then you can stop dwelling inside yourself and on yourself so much. Yuck. I think that's an undesireable state, like a place you don't want to be, such as a low-scale, one-star hotel that smells like "sweaty chocolate.").
All this being said, I am happy God brings relief to mind. This relief is especially sweet when you aren't even expecting it, through methods or activities or stimuli you wouldn't expect.He gives psychological rest for the overworked analyzer. People like us work psychological overtime by choice, with no extra wages (sick, huh?). Today, I think less of what the future could hold, and how it will come to be, and more of how my future, yet again, has been put in place for me to step on towards. There aren't any rocky grounds here; my path is well-defined. And honestly, I do know I will enjoy what I am about to devote myself to do: intense study and research for 4 years.
I think today I just tasted some of what the prodigal son tasted when he came home to his merciful father: I am "coming" to myself, and am finding a greater degree of gratitude and rest there.
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